False Assumptions

Over the past years I have felt and recognized that India needs a better and open minded approach to mental health. I am sorry that it took me too long to realize that I actually was not doing anything about it rather than just hoping. So here I am hoping to do my part for the same.

We are human, even before we studied Darwin’s law of evolution we have known in our instincts about the survival of the fittest; it’s a part of our DNA. We make expectations with ourselves, things we feel the world is expecting from us: be a good student, the best artist, a fit sports person and what all. I read somewhere on social media “The biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it has taken place.” As almost every middle class Indian household, I too had made my own set of goals that I thought that my parents wanted me to achieve and that any failure to achieve them would be a disappointment to him. But turns out I knew him way less than I thought. During my class 12^th board results I was scared, I was the above average child in school from which everyone had high expectations – my teachers, my parents; and I myself was scared to my bones because I was the youngest and I knew that I had the legacy of my grandfather, mom & dad to live up to & even more scared because after most exams I was among the earliest to finish while the other toppers claimed the exam to be tough or lengthy. My dad called and said that he had seen the result, he asked me to check too and there I was standing with the keys to our Activa in hand ready to run off if the marks were not as I dreamt. My mom saw my result, I had scored exceptionally in 3 subjects but lowest in Physical education (75/100) and somehow I was still terrified that I may get a scolding but there he came home, congratulated me and everything else as routine. Again came the college selection day, it was clear with my score that I wasn’t getting into any IITs or NITs at least the good ones but again my dad wasn’t as bothered by it as I had imagined. Even on the day of my branch selection he joked about which shirt he would wear as per my branch. That day I realized something very important. We have all created our own set of standards, false assumptions we feel that we have to live by otherwise the society or our family will not accept us, but it’s not the case. We assume our parents dreams, their rules and more than that we assume that they can’t be reasoned with. Another mistake we make is putting our parents on a pedestal, we just hope that they would understand things you won’t say, after all they are your parents but at the end of the day they are humans, they too can make a mistake. But what makes them better than anyone else out there, is that for you they won’t be afraid to accept it. Yes, they will not understand you, or support your dreams in the first shot but the one thing they will always do is love you and care for you. There are things you don’t know because you never asked, dare to ask them – yes at moments you may not like the answer at least that’s better than having false assumptions in your mind and chasing them till the point you stop seeing the difference between the truth and lie.

I know my story isn't half as dreadful or scary as it is for most people out there; but what applies to all of us is that we need to balance our expectations, false assumptions & wallls we have created around us. A quote by George Bernard Shaw describes this situation very well:

"The biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place."

  For the parents out there, it’s okay to give your child a positive reinforcement with an extra incentive for achieving the goal, but you need to tell them at the same time that the incentive is not a measure of your love for them. You will give them a gift if they top in class, but they need to be told that you will love them even if they don’t. And more important than that, tell your children about your struggle, not the 10 km cycle ride you took to school; but the times you fell in the way to school or every time you failed an exam or couldn’t get the girl you loved in college. Tell them that not only great men have battles they lost, it’s a part for everyone. It’s alright if you fail, because no matter the failure, you always have something to look up to. Don’t force your dreams on your children, let them choose their own path; they will have setbacks but as long as you are there with them they can recover.